Melodic Noise Media Write-ups: hasaniHarris - tryinNOT2die

Who are you trying not to die for? This is the question that persists throughout the entirety of hasaniHarris’ album tryinNOT2die. The 10-track project was written and composed by Hasani, mixed and mastered by Ozzy the Painter, and features Oknice, Xenai, and Love, Ulysses. The album as a whole seamlessly transitions in and out between music and audio clips that encapsulate or expand on the meanings behind each song. Hasani’s poetic lyrics and somber tone compliment the lo-fi piano-driven instrumentals. As said by Hasani during the album’s creation, “I was deeply suicidal, depressed, anxious and felt like I had zero control over anything. I was trapped, and the only way I knew how to make my way out was to make music.”

hasaniHarris is a hip-hop music artist/poet originally from Minnesota, currently residing in Southside Chicago. tryinNOT2die is based on his struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts, which worsened during quarantine, and how they relate to his pursuit of freedom as a black bisexual man. In Hasani’s words, “This album was created for black people who struggle with mental health and have found it hard to (do) just about anything this year besides be on guard and protect black lives.”

tryingNOT2die is an emotional and brave body of work that symbolizes the pursuit of freedom, love and self-acceptance. The album artwork is simple, yet effective. In it, we see Hasani lying curled up, naked across his bedsheet, holding onto himself as he sleeps. This image is very apropos to the overall theme behind the music as Hasani is presenting as deeply vulnerable – exposing his demons and letting go of trauma that’s ailed him for so long. A true artist gives us a window into their soul, and hasaniHarris accomplishes that with tryinNOT2die.

The intro track, “can you mend?” features a slowed-down version of Al Green’s “How Can You Mend A Broken Heart,” and perfectly sets up the theme of self-healing before transitioning into the next track, “does it really matter?”. In this song, Hasani questions if life is really worth living while the world is crumbling all around him. The beat gives off a feeling of apathy while Hasani discusses issues that have been bothering him, along with feelings of being lost and hopeless. The most poignant line of the song is “If this is who I am, why the f**k I hate it so much?” The song ends with an altered excerpt from Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody,” and Freddy Mercury singing the lyrics, “nothing really matters to me”.

“(smokebreak)” has the first of three features on the album. The vocal harmonies on the track are haunting and never cease to give me chills upon each listen. OKnice delivers one of the best features of 2020 with his masterful lyricism. One part that really stuck out was the line,

“People showing too much love, it probably means they hate you.

Turning up their noses if you ain’t gonna make the same moves.

Self-righteous nature ain’t gonna be what can save you.”

“wanna die?” begins with a lovely feature from Xenai, hansaiHarris’ wife. The hook embodies the entire meaning of the song with the simple, yet thought-provoking statement:

“Everybody wanna be a n***a, don’t nobody wanna die.”

This line speaks volumes to the current state of America, more specifically, White America, which has always appropriated black culture. Despite White America’s fascination with black culture, no one wants to deal with the hardships and trauma that being black in America brings. The track ends with a fitting clip from Dave Chappelle’s “8:46” video where the death of George Floyd and its repercussions are discussed.

The next song, “feeling myself?” discusses the frustrations of living in a pandemic, the Black Lives Matter movement, and the realization of human dependency. One line that struck me was, “Why I gotta use your hands to get a feel of myself?”

Love, Ulysses makes an appearance for the album’s final feature: “(smokebreak pt. 2).” Here, Love, Ulysses delivers a wonderful performance that shares his thoughts on insecurity and dependency.

The following track is Hasani’s most heartfelt and personal song on the album. “free?” portrays his attempt to let go of all his trauma in order to move forward:

“Free is not dying of a mind-state. I’ve been trying not to kill myself, that’s why I’m late.”

In this song, Hasani also discusses his first physical encounter with someone of the same sex and how his father’s disapproval scarred him, which ultimately ruined his relationship with that person. Hasani questions how he can be free if he isn’t allowed to truly and openly be himself.

Following “free?” is an homage to Bill Withers who unfortunately passed in March of 2020. The track features an altered snippet from his song “Make A Smile for Me,” which is a very fitting follow-up to the previous track.

The final two tracks, “Inshallah” and “stilllive,” are the most upbeat songs of the album and symbolize Hasani’s climb out of depression. “Inshallah” (‘good faith’ in Arabic) feels like Hasani’s turning point from being depressed and apathetic about the future, to feeling appreciation for the little things in life. “Stilllive” brings more of the same energy and reminds us that being alive is a blessing in today’s world. This song serves as a perfect ending for the album, symbolizing the personal growth Hasani has undergone this year and the trauma he’s overcome. The track ends with the sound of Hasani finally opening the door and going outside, leaving all the stress and depressive thoughts behind.

tryinNOT2die is an auditory art exhibit that takes the listener on a musical journey of one man’s struggle with depression and suicide and the realization that addressing and challenging these thoughts can help experience personal growth. We’ve been blessed with a lot of great music in 2020, but this project is truly not one to sleep on!